Back in 2013, I was in therapy for most of the summer. A big part of the therapy process was learning to give myself credit. For a long time now, I’ve been a person who accomplishes something, and instead of taking the time to celebrate, I move on to the next step because there’s no point in celebrating.Â I’m not done.Â
In a way, I suspect this is part of what has to do with all the delays in getting my book out, because I don’t know when I’ll ever be done. They always say to wait while you’re young, but I don’t think I can wait anymore.
For so long, it was always, “I could love myself if…” If I were skinner (hah, I have a thyroid disease, that ain’t happening), or if I didn’t have all those acne scars, or if I was more outgoing, if I knew how to make people like me, if I knew how to do this or that….
And lately, I’ve realized….
I’m in my own head way too damn much. As in, that inner critic is really loud and I can’t get her to shut up. Yes, I realize,Â everyone has an inner critic.Â But based on conversations I’ve had in and out of therapy, I realize that mine is so much more powerful than many people I know.
Maybe that’s because of my depression, maybe that’s what causes the depression, but the point is, I don’t know how to shut her up. The grip this inner critic has on me is tight and sometimes, it doesn’t feel like it would be worth fighting, but I know that I have to fight. Because I can’t keep living like this. It’s disgusting some of the things I say to myself in my head, and I know it.
The only problem is, I don’t know how to stop it.
So, I guess this post isn’t a post to inform anyone, but more a decision. The ridiculous negativity that I have toward myself has to stop. I realize I’m human, and yes, sometimes I’ll beat myself up for things, but I need that to be at a semi-normal level. Not at this crazy level I’m at now.
I need to learn how to love myself.